The ups and downs of Comic-Con
Jul. 19th, 2003 07:42 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lady_kishiriaFrom day 2 (and I am tired so I don´t think I´m going to really go tomorrow), I have now come away with several ¨eh¨ indie comics (the kind I love, which are just published at Kinko´s), Yoshikazu Yasuhiko´s ¨Joan¨ manga which were half-off, a Jay and Silent Bob take San Diego t-shirt, the New Type 100% on Char´s Counterattack, a comic ¨El Muerto the Aztec Zombie¨ by Javier Hernandez (cuz I was looking out for Latino comic artists and/or writers) and El Gato, and ¨The Collected Prison Funnies¨ by Toronto artist and Taco Bell trattorieur Chip Zdarksy.
I went to the Kevin Smith panel. He´s pretty funny, pretty raunchy. I got my courage together to go to the mike to say something. He looked at me and said, ¨You´re so tiny! You´re so cute!¨ I said yeah, like Selma Hayek. He answered, ¨I was thinking more like Webster...¨ Anyway, I thanked him for making ¨Dogma¨. We also got to the Adult Swim panel, where they showed clips from the upcoming shows.
But I also made some nasty realizations about myself. Yesterday, I told Mike that when he told me about a certain fannish ex-friend of mine (we´ll call her Angie) had been hit by a car in Japan, my heart leaped because I HATE this woman, and had a wonderful moment of hoping she was DEAD. I don´t want to discuss the reasons. Suffice to say she used me for everything back in the 80s because I wanted so badly to be liked. I never thought I could hate someone so hard for so long, so obviously I have to work on that. For those of you who wonder why Catholics have confession, this is it. Holding onto hate creates karmic debt, for lack of a better term, and confession is meant to undo that debt. I really feel the need.
And I almost got into a fist fight. Comic-Con has got every event in the world, but the downside is that you get treated like cattle. They hired Elite Security to do crowd control, including crossing the street. But rather than turning OFF the crossing signals and having the crossing guards they hired do it, they have BOTH. Now, most of us are conditioned to obey the official traffic signals. Steve and I, along with a lot of other people, saw the sign go from ¨walk¨ to ¨don´t walk¨, so we started to walk. The crossing guard, Charles Syrtchick (I´m writing it here so I don´t forget the name), threw a fit and screamed at Steve to ¨GET BACK ON THE SIDEWALK!¨ Steve said, ¨Sorry, the light changed,¨ and he was told in a loud scream, ¨I DON´T CARE!¨ Well, I stormed into his face and demanded his name. He took his name badge, turned it around, and held it to his chest and said he wouldn´t tell me. I grabbed the badge, turned it around and said, ¨I´m telling your supervisor.¨
By the way, what I did there was assault. Don´t follow my example. He started to mouth off and Steve got me off him before I threw the first punch, which I was about to.
His supervisor inside said basically that they didn´t care either, and that Mr. Syrtchick had no obligation to tell me his name, and that he was authorized by the city as a crossing guard or whatever the term is, Steve will remember. We are fairly sure the supervisor was lying, because if he was a city employee he DOES have to disclose his name. We´ll be writing to the city, and possibly just going onto the committee at Comic-Con to find another company.
Now, back when I was sick in the brain, I could just blame this on the sickness. Now, I realize that I am violent, and I am hateful, and I have to do something about that. I did feel different angry at the guy with a clear brain, but the violence is still there. Some people would pull out the ¨embrace the violence¨ line, but that´s a load of shit, and I embrace that I have to END the violence in me in order to make a purer world. Then I´ll teach others to do it.
I went to the Kevin Smith panel. He´s pretty funny, pretty raunchy. I got my courage together to go to the mike to say something. He looked at me and said, ¨You´re so tiny! You´re so cute!¨ I said yeah, like Selma Hayek. He answered, ¨I was thinking more like Webster...¨ Anyway, I thanked him for making ¨Dogma¨. We also got to the Adult Swim panel, where they showed clips from the upcoming shows.
But I also made some nasty realizations about myself. Yesterday, I told Mike that when he told me about a certain fannish ex-friend of mine (we´ll call her Angie) had been hit by a car in Japan, my heart leaped because I HATE this woman, and had a wonderful moment of hoping she was DEAD. I don´t want to discuss the reasons. Suffice to say she used me for everything back in the 80s because I wanted so badly to be liked. I never thought I could hate someone so hard for so long, so obviously I have to work on that. For those of you who wonder why Catholics have confession, this is it. Holding onto hate creates karmic debt, for lack of a better term, and confession is meant to undo that debt. I really feel the need.
And I almost got into a fist fight. Comic-Con has got every event in the world, but the downside is that you get treated like cattle. They hired Elite Security to do crowd control, including crossing the street. But rather than turning OFF the crossing signals and having the crossing guards they hired do it, they have BOTH. Now, most of us are conditioned to obey the official traffic signals. Steve and I, along with a lot of other people, saw the sign go from ¨walk¨ to ¨don´t walk¨, so we started to walk. The crossing guard, Charles Syrtchick (I´m writing it here so I don´t forget the name), threw a fit and screamed at Steve to ¨GET BACK ON THE SIDEWALK!¨ Steve said, ¨Sorry, the light changed,¨ and he was told in a loud scream, ¨I DON´T CARE!¨ Well, I stormed into his face and demanded his name. He took his name badge, turned it around, and held it to his chest and said he wouldn´t tell me. I grabbed the badge, turned it around and said, ¨I´m telling your supervisor.¨
By the way, what I did there was assault. Don´t follow my example. He started to mouth off and Steve got me off him before I threw the first punch, which I was about to.
His supervisor inside said basically that they didn´t care either, and that Mr. Syrtchick had no obligation to tell me his name, and that he was authorized by the city as a crossing guard or whatever the term is, Steve will remember. We are fairly sure the supervisor was lying, because if he was a city employee he DOES have to disclose his name. We´ll be writing to the city, and possibly just going onto the committee at Comic-Con to find another company.
Now, back when I was sick in the brain, I could just blame this on the sickness. Now, I realize that I am violent, and I am hateful, and I have to do something about that. I did feel different angry at the guy with a clear brain, but the violence is still there. Some people would pull out the ¨embrace the violence¨ line, but that´s a load of shit, and I embrace that I have to END the violence in me in order to make a purer world. Then I´ll teach others to do it.
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Date: 2003-07-20 11:32 pm (UTC)Many years ago I watched a customs agent shove my mother. I kicked him in the bum before I was aware of any intention to kick the man. I was very surprised. I realized that I was defending someone I love. I think that was the response you were having - you were defending Steve, someone you love and hold dear. I suspect that this is such a primal reaction, that it cannot be eradicated. I'm not sure it is even desirable to eradicate it.
I have considered, and debated with myself about the notion of "embrace the violence". It is, on first consideration, a repulsive concept. I don't want to be violent. But, defensive violence is part of our genes. We wouldn't have survived as a species without it. So, it isn't a question of getting rid of the violence, but of controlling it - of only using it appropriately. To do that, I must acknowledge the violence in the human ape. I must understand it. I must examine the violence within me. I think this is what the wiser of the people advocating "embrace the violence" mean. If I try to eradicate it, I will only suppress it and hide it from myself. That, I believe, is when violence is most likely to make surprise, undesirable appearances.
I also have some of that enduring hatred - another unpleasant realization. I think that forgiving is extremely important. It is, IMNSHO, far more important for the person doing the forgiving, than for the person being forgiven. Hatred is a dark and ugly stain on ones psyche/spirit/soul. It sits in the heart and and hardens it. It cramps ones ability to be a fully productive, joyous human being. If unchecked, it spreads its poison to more and more parts of ones thinking. Being the self-centred person that I am, I find it easier to forgive a serious offense, when I remind myself that, it is mostly for my benefit. That forgiving is essential to my well being.
I'm still trying to figure out how to get rid of a few long term grudges (grudge sounds like such a mild word for the actual feelings, but I can't find a better one). Sometimes I think I have forgiven the offending parties. But every once in a while I find myself mulling over the events and thinking unpleasant things about the people. So, I'm not sure how well I am doing there. Maybe this is where Catholic confession could be useful. In the meantime, I remind myself of something Steven Covey says - that between action and reaction there is a moment. With practice that moment can be stretched out and and the reaction can be a choice.