A stumbling block and foolishness

[lady_kishiria]

Over the past two months, I've been losing friends or being unpleasant to read. brotherskeeper1 de-friendlisted and banned me with no explanation, panookah defriendlisted me with no warning, though without the ban, and no less than three people have used my life as the gold standard on what constitutes True Difficulty In Life, as in "I shouldn't complain, some people are burying relatives and returning to war zones." And that's just the stuff I'm willing to mention here.

I know what's going on with me could be triggering for some people. I've put material behind cuts because of that. But folks, my father in law died after a long and accomplished life and his death was peaceful and holy. I am returning to a war zone, but I'd rather do that than lose a friend, animal or human. Please don't use my life as a yardstick of difficulty because nobody should build up a hierarchy of misery, e.g. "I was beaten by my parents but X lost HIS parents in a tsunami!" It's excellent to have a sense of perspective, but if something causes you pain, it causes you pain. Denying yourself the right to feel that only makes things worse.

Losing friends makes me hurt, but I'm not here to live up to anyone's expectations, and no one is here to live up to mine. Doesn't mean I like it though.

Comments

[napoleonofnerds.livejournal.com]

I wasn't thinking of you when I said planning funerals and fighting wars, actually. Not to discount your life in any way, and what I said about having formidable readership applies to you more than anyone else, but it wasn't what I was thinking of.

This entry did make me feel better though, and I appreciate it.

Brotherskeeper1 is kind of a creep - she pulled the same shit on me for no good reason a while back. Who can tell why she did anything?

[catdraco.livejournal.com]

I wonder if she banned tepintzin for talking about considering suicide? Something which I've noticed and have been rather upset about is the fact that she has not once offered condolences about my brother; and when I spoke about his death directly to her, she responded with "I'm sorry you've had such a bad year," and proceeded to talk about her cats.

I don't know what to think: but it feels like there's a whole lot of judgement going on there. =(

[napoleonofnerds.livejournal.com]

I honestly don't know - she jumped my ship before I wrote about suicide, over gun ownership, of all things.

[kishiriadgr.livejournal.com]

She cut me off before the suicide attempt, and while it wasn't a contributing factor, it didn't help either. My overwhelming problem in Afghanistan is isolation

cAt, I don't remember if *I* sent condolences about your brother!

[catdraco.livejournal.com]

I'm pretty sure you did, but if you didn't, I'd have assumed it was because you had plenty on your plate already - as well as limited internet access. I'm pretty sure you did though.

I could have let the lack of condolences go, as there are all sorts of plausible explanations. But after the "sorry you had a bad year, now let's talk about my cats" thing I became quite certain it was a deliberate omission.

[electorprince.livejournal.com]

What suicide attempt?

[kishiriadgr.livejournal.com]

The one that I tried to tell you about in December, but I couldn't get a hold of you. It was one of the things I wanted to talk specifically to YOU about if you came out here.

[catdraco.livejournal.com]

Yeah, she's big on gun ownership. It's like it's a God-given right or something.

I dunno. Despite all her quirks I really liked her. I don't think I do much any more. =/

[kishiriadgr.livejournal.com]

I liked her really well! She was really supportive while I was in Kuwait, sent dried fruit for all of us, was supportive about my kitty who's getting older...and then poof.

[catdraco.livejournal.com]

Yeah, she's always been really lovely to me, too, until very recently.

I wonder what's going on? I figure we can't all have pissed her off without knowing about it - it seems more likely to me that something's up with her. =/

[kishiriadgr.livejournal.com]

Her health is wretched, and it's diabetes which can make you crazy. Plus when Silver ran away, it really got to her badly.

[catdraco.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I guess it was an obvious sort of question to ask.

I suppose grief does weird things to your head, even without diabetes messing it up further. And her cats are her children, really.

[miafeliz.livejournal.com]

She dumped me too for no reason. It was about the time David lost his mother, she made a comment offering sympathy and prayers and then poof, I was gone.

[helenkacan.livejournal.com]

I don't know who these people are, but I find flamboyant defriending and banning to be indicative of a Facebook/MySpace style juvenile mindset.

[prushrush.livejournal.com]

This.

[hagazusa.livejournal.com]

Yes, this.

Also I wish you could stay home with your cat instead of returning to the war zone. Stay safe and well and many condolences for your FIL.

[desert-vixen.livejournal.com]

((( )))

I completely agree with you on the "X has it so much worse so I shouldn't complain" deal. If something is bothering you, then it's bothering you.

Also, belated condolences on the passing of Steve's father - I keep meaning to comment on that and never remembering.

(((( )))))

DV

[bork.livejournal.com]

Oh, I completely agree. Sometimes people use me as a yardstick :re disability, and it just gets my goat. Because every's experience is different, and it's not easily quantified.

Just an aside - Týr is coming to Seattle. I know you like them. Do you want a t-shirt? The front is a viking being all vikingish (e.g. slicing something to bits as opposed to hosting a high tea), and the back has a mjolnir that says 'Hold the heathen hammer high - hear the heathen call'. I was thinking of getting one for myself, and I could pick up one for you if you wanted. Don't worry about paying me back, consider it 'supporting the troops'. I think the smallest size is a Medium in men's, and I have no idea with women's.

[kishiriadgr.livejournal.com]

I'm sure I'll see Tyr again, and the t-shirt would be all alone until I come back. thank you for the thought though. If you can get an autographed picture that would be nice.

[bork.livejournal.com]

Makes sense - I'll see what I can do :)

[kishiriadgr.livejournal.com]

The AWOL thing will probably cross my mind more as the time gets nearer, but right now I'm okay. My joke is that I'm going to flee to Holland and become a prostitute, cause in Mexico someone will turn me in for $100 and everybody knows to look for me in Canada.

I'm at less than 6 months to go once I get back.

[selenesue.livejournal.com]

Holland is nice and everybody there speaks English. Good choice.

[zeonchar.livejournal.com]

What? Why did panookah de-friend you? 0_0 Why did anyone de-friend you for that matter?

[kishiriadgr.livejournal.com]

I don't know, that's one of the points of the entry here.

[dropsofgleam.livejournal.com]

Well, such stuff blows my mind. I can try understanding the defriending, but banning is ridiculous unless you're one of the Russian bots or something.

*hug*

[gorski.livejournal.com]

didn't CS Lewis say something about human suffering not being fungible? you're suffering or you're not; it's worse for you than the last thing you suffered or it's not; you can bear it or you can't -- but you can't add up misery or divide it out by different people... it's not the same.

likewise, it sounds like you've got a handful of difficult things going on, but I can't imagine trying to relate that to other people.

sorry people are being ridiculous to you, though. /:

[fallconsmate.livejournal.com]

i read your posts because i peruse soldiergrrrl's f-list unashamedly.

i'm sorry about your sweetie's dad's passing, and suicide *is* a valid choice for some people, as far as i'm concerned. but they better make sure its what they want, it tends to be permanent and worse if you screw it up. (suicide survivor, 1991)

and i tend to "gods, make sure that person is ok" when i read about bad stuffs. *hugs if you would like them*

[cinchntouch.livejournal.com]

I don't understand why anyone would cut you from their friend's list. It baffles me. I don't always agree with you, but I find your posts thoughtful and personal.

I don't know..

sorry though and *hugs*

[selenesue.livejournal.com]

I do not comment often but I do read your posts and pray for you often.

LJ "friends" is not necessarily equivalent to actual Friends. Your real friends are still your real friends, the others are interested acquaintances at best. I guess that latter category includes me too but at least I try to have manners.

Walk with safety and a peaceful heart.

[kishiriadgr.livejournal.com]

I was thinking about you yesterday in terms of people I hadn't seen entries from lately. Glad you're still around!

[lucy-indisguise.livejournal.com]

Apparently you have lots of live journal friends, although I can understand you feeling badly about losing any friends. I always do. I intend to be hear for the long haul if that's ok with you

[kishiriadgr.livejournal.com]

Wouldn't have it any other way!

[elevengirl.livejournal.com]

I agree that whatever hurts you hurts you, no matter who else has what going. And I'm not planning to leave. Also, I'm sorry you have to go back, but I'm glad you could be here when your father-in-law died.

[kwokj.livejournal.com]

I was really touched by the way you wrote about your father in law.

[fitfool.livejournal.com]

I wish LJ didn't use the terms Friend List and just called it a Reading List or any title that didn't seem as emotionally loaded as defriending. I always wonder about when people defriend me. I want to know Why?! (and I sometimes don't want to know Why? because I suspect the answer would be something like 'your journal is boring') Good of you to acknowledge other people's pain without falling into the one-upsmanship that I see so much of.

[reginaterrae.livejournal.com]

Thank you for this post, Teppy. I wouldn't de-friend you, because I have a lot of respect for you and I like the way you think (except when you're thinking about eating your gun!). But I do wonder what people think of me and my "whining" ... so thanks for coming out for those of us whose pain doesn't look so bad from the outside.

I've gotta say, online "friends" can be real jerks, but on the other hand some of you can be more supportive than a lot of F2F family and "friends".